This should have been written yesterday. Yesterday this stewed, adding to the thick and bitter broth that is my brain during such times. Scribbled in a handful of note books, or rattling around in my head are countless of the bitter sentiments expressed here. It neither satisfies me nor interests you for me to repeat that, yet some of that will happen today.
I always knew I would be bad at the rat race. Ambition does not come naturally to me. What I did not expect was to be as bad at it as I am. The one year anniversary of my lay off is around 6 weeks away. I am now entering black mark territory, that is, the duration of my unemployment is looking worse and worse to anyone who may read my resume. A more careful reading brings out the troubling truth that this episode is not alone. Just for extra flavour the interlude between BCIT and my last long term post is dotted brief positions that raise questions about my reliability.
A resume can not convey the fact that I had enough. I tried to get back into field work and core logging, the money was good, but at the end of the day it breaks me. When the bitter only centred on work I had out grown because the lifestyle could not work for me, I could tolerate it. Now I work at corralling it enough to function. The mood gets fuelled through two distantly connected channels, and builds on my weak spots.
At one end, my media is a steady stream of environmentally minded and or leftist reading. Constant reminders of the distal causes of my sporadic employment, and of the environmental crises we are in the middle of exasperating. But you know what I read, Facebook makes sure of that, too much of what passes through my brain starts from there.
The trouble has been I have felt burnt out from the beginning. I have only had a handful jobs only three of those have lasted longer than two years, at the most two and half years. I have looked for work too many times, it has not gotten easier. I want to work, but I start to cease up when I start looking. Being tired and burned out should be my mood at the end of a productive day not at the start of an unproductive one. Yet today like yesterday I have wandered around getting far too little done and collapsing on the couch too early in the day.
I don't want to live like this. I don't know how to escape this.